BROKEN

It was a leech that destroyed me. A leech who bit into my soul. A leech that drained me from all my power. The feeling of sand just filling your lungs. So dry, yet addicting.

I’m crazy, maybe. I’m stupid, so they say, but this leech had control over my body. He drained my spirit and caused me to feel nothing.

A void inside my heart. A gaping black hole that leads no where. The dryest most evil place that was once so pure.

The damning pain within overwhelms my body. The numbness of never feeling trust again. The “What ifs” and the “I’m not good enough” that haunts my head is so taunting my brain could explode.

The attacks so early in the morning, no good morning messages just yelling right from the start. The panic attacks that go unnoticed by his sight because he doesn’t care enough, yet swears he loves.

What does he love?

The broken glass that lies on the floor puts shock in my heart. I realize that these pieces are parts of me that I can never get back. My body is balding from it’s emotion and no one seems to care.

I’m forced to put up a wall and act like a perfect princess.

I’m broken and it haunts me everyday …

Socializing

Hello!

I’m overdue.

Throughout the week I’ve met quite some people. I was nice and never once did I mention anything about my past or how I portray myself when it comes to certain things. However, every person I’ve met has come to me and start asking me about the supernatural. One, knew that I was trying to block my own knowledge of the subject. The other, just felt comfort in confiding in me.

I started to wonder if I just have that vibe of, “it’s okay to express your feelings on the topic”, or maybe it’s more like, “I know you are like me”. Which ever the case, I am flattered yet terrified. The fact that a stranger and sense me and sense the things I’ve been through or the things I’ve seen, is just a bit overwhelming. One of the people I’ve met told me, “blocking it out doesn’t make you stronger. You have to embrace it and then you’ll be able to control it.” The nervous feeling I got when hearing those words made me sigh. I knew they were right, but I didn’t want to be strong in it. I just want to be normal. As if they read my mind they said, “This is normal.”

Every time I socialize, the subject of ghosts and monsters pops up. I can feel eyes on me, waiting to hear my tails and experiences. Even if they don’t know me, they want me to speak. Most days I keep to myself, but other days – This happens.

I’m not saying this is a negative, but just once I want that small talk about anything that has nothing to do with creepy crawlers. Don’t get me wrong, the topic is amazing and educational, but I would love a normal every day chat about something else.

Just my thoughts for the day. Be warm in this snow!

It’s been some time…

As the leaves fell, my heart did too. In time, when the leaves grew back, so did the love that left my heart.

I didn’t know how to forgive, or love. Only with time my heart fought wars and lost, only to gain strength and build a wall. Only with time did the wall soften and let you in.

It’s been some time now that I’ve fallen so deeply. The crisp air of winter is back again, yet my heart remains soft – maybe even softer than before.

My once scared soul is not afraid anymore. It dances on the edge of time and swims with the sharks. It trusts your heart will protect mine.

It’s been some time since I’ve cried. My tears have gone and my smile appeared. I was broken, torn from my humanity, and now I am just fine. These scars are a gift of how much I’ve grown.

It’s been some time since we’ve fought. We were bitter and now we’re not. Our words intertwine and our thoughts are admirable. No more bickering or crime.

With time all is possible, even though I wanted to die. I’m more alive than I’ve ever felt, and it’s because your heart has finally become mine.

It’s been some time, but we are who we are and we are one…

Cactus

You are my cactus. I want to take care of you and watch you grow. I want to love you and show you how I feel. I want to embrace you and absorb your ways. Yet, every time I get too close, you prick me and it hurts. Each lie burns deeper into my heart. It is like cracked glass when I try and kiss you. When I try to forgive you, I feel the thorns inside me.

The way they move and hurt my heart, the way they sting and kill my vibe. I try to hide. Then I drink the poison and the demon in me comes out. She wants to cut you down, but you are my cactus. I dare not let her. She wants to do the things you’ve done, but I dare not trust her. She wants to have revenge for feeling so stupid. For feeling so low, but I dare not let her. I dare not feed her.

You are my cactus. You give me strength and courage. You give me life and when I breathe in all I want is your air. All I want is you. I try so hard to pull out all the thorns. I try to imagine what it would be like if they were never put there to begin with. You are my cactus, and I can hug you lightly and admire you from afar. For my safety and yours.

Cactus, all I wanted was you. All I ever wanted and needed was you. I’ve tried other plants to give me the feeling I had with you, and nothing. I never meant “I love you” unless it was to you. I never let myself cry over them. I never wanted anything more in this world than my cactus to love me the way I love you. Sadly, I don’t think it is possible with all these thorns.

And time is cruel. Playing with my head and heart. Time is cruel making me weak. Cactus, there was a time when I pictured myself in the most beautiful white dress and now I picture it blacked out with dirt. Cactus, you killed me and expect me to still be alive.

Cactus, I need your help. You want me to be alive? You want to be with me? Please lower your thorns – Not by words – by love. Show me your heart, so mine can beat with it. Teach me the rhythm again…teach me to trust…

A Story…

“I hope I am not writing this in vain…” Her fragile hands danced atop the keyboard. She was sick and no one knew. No one understood her pain. They never asked, and never meant to. Her smile was a false pretense to what was going on inside of her. She was fighting a war and could not win. Her energy was dying out each day, as she struggled to wake up in the morning. The makeup hid what she did to herself and the lack of sleep she had. Her job was so stressful and demanding that she could not keep up with all the mistakes that others were making. This made it even harder to do her work. School was dragging out and she wished it would be over with. “I have a complaint.” She knew that if she didn’t speak, it would just get worse and the pain inside her would take over her more than before. Her smile would dim and others would catch on that she wasn’t even there emotionally.

“I don’t mean to tell people how to do their job, I am sure they are busy but…” She went on to write an essay, but no one listened. Everyone shut her out and did not speak to her again. If they needed anything they would email. Their eyes wouldn’t even float to her direction. Needless to say, things were being done – slowly – but they were getting somewhere. The disconnect she felt in her personal life soon made its way into her work life. Ever since she spoke her mind, everyone shunned her. They wanted nothing to do with the girl in the back corner office. She had no write to tell them to do their job. She wasn’t their boss…

Every night she would wake with one terror after another. She’d wake up and take more pills just to try and sleep. She dare not wake her family, they’d get cranky. She had no one to try to talk to. They all told her it was just stress or her need for vacation, but it was more than that. She felt alone in a sea of people. She drowned and couldn’t swim. Her numbing pain made it difficult to speak without it sounding like complaints. She was more than alone, she was gone. She didn’t recognize anyone or anything. She didn’t even know who that was staring back at her in the mirror. Still, she pressed on…somehow…

She had lost a lot of weight. Her boyfriend loved it at first. He thought she was getting too fat anyway. As time went on he couldn’t stand to even look at her. He left her because she insisted she was fine. She cried – not because he was gone but because she pushed him away. She pushed them all away…

One night she woke up from a bad dream. This one was not like the rest. She was overwhelmed and just wanted sleep. The pills she took weren’t enough. She couldn’t doze off so she took more and more, until she had this pain in her stomach. It was hurting her to the point where her own screams made her ears bleed. It was all so sudden, but it stopped in an instant. She was no longer hurting, but at peace.

R.I.P.

Moving

Hello!

With growing and life moving so fast, we have a lot of room for opportunities! As a result, I will be inactive for the next week as I am moving.

Moving is a pain in the butt, but it must be done! With new environments comes new inspiration! I will always miss my first apartment, where I first left the nest. However, new and better things are coming my way!

As winter approaches, so does my energy! That’s right! I am a winter baby!

I will have much to talk about the following week, so I’ll have lots of notes as to what to post here! Stay tuned for the aftermath of my move!

Thanks for reading and have a great day/night!

Sorry

I’m sorry. Sorry for causing pain. Sorry for pushing you away. Sorry for hurting you causing you to hurt me. Sorry you lost friends and lovers. Sorry you feel the need to love me. Sorry I cry every other day because I long for you.

Sorry for giving you my heart and sorry for breaking apart. Sorry I’m not strong enough and sorry I’m so emotional. Sorry that you hate my voice and how I speak. Sorry that I trusted you and showed you who I really am.

Sorry that I changed and shut down. Sorry I became depressed. Sorry that I’m still sad. Sorry that I see her lips on you every time my eyes are shut. Sorry for being insecure. Sorry that I don’t change.

Sorry you hold back thinking you need to because of me. Sorry I feel incomplete. Sorry you don’t want to hear anything that comes out of my mouth about how i feel when it comes to us.

Sorry that us is so broken and cracked that I feel so alone even though you are right there. Sorry I feel so distant and gone. Sorry you were into her while with me. Sorry that I’m not over it.

I’m sorry that I wanna die. I’m sorry that I’m not alive. I’m sorry that I love you but I’m not sorry that I fell. Scraped knees will heal…

Protected: Happy Halloween

In my family, there is a lot of different religions and beliefs. We have Catholic, Christian, and Wiccans. I am blessed that they all get along…most of the time (85%). My Great-Grandmother used to do Santeria and Brujeria, along with other family members. I’m not sure How much they practiced, but during the day she was Catholic. This was passed down to her children, which she had 8 of. My Great-Grandmother was born in 1914 and passed away in 2009. My grandmother, her daughter, and her sisters made a packed that the first born would do it too. My mother was first born. The way it worked was you had a spirit with you – a guide. You either had a gypsy or a native. Given the fact that my family has Taino roots, my mother had a native spirit. Every time she would get upset or fight someone, she would black out. People told her that her eyes would change color and everything. Eventually, when my older brother was born, my mom had to deal with chasing shadow people away from him. His cries at night would wake her to a man standing over his crib. Her and my grandmother got out of this and baptized my brother under the Catholic religion as protection. I believed that my great-grandmother was out of this as well, as she prayed every day and night. She was constantly talking about Jesus to my grandmother and mother. So, it is no surprise that when I was born, my mother quickly baptized me as well under the Catholic religion.

I know nothing of the Catholic customs, just that it is similar to Christianity (Christians do not pray to Mary). As I got older my mother and grandmother switch religions to becoming Christian. I know a bit more about that than being Catholic. One of my favorite (and I know it’s wrong to have favorites, but oh well) cousins Angel, is a wiccan. I was curious about that side of my family because my mother never really spoke about it. Before anyone jumps in, Wiccans are not bad people. They do not worship Satan or anything crazy like in the movies. The Wiccans I have met were very sweet, and colorful. They worship mother earth. The Wiccan bible intrigued me, and I noticed it was similar standards to the Christian Bible, but I just wanted to have some kind of knowledge and insight on his perspective.

Now we fast forward to 2009. The horrible year of my great-grandmothers last days. She had a dresser and attached was a mirror. It sat by her bedside, and was a decent size. She was suffering from Alzheimer’s. Every day at a certain time she would wake and scream that the man is here to get her. The man wanted to hurt her. My grandma and her sisters prayed for her until she passed out. I knew nothing of these occurrences so I can’t give full detail. I only found out after the incident that occurred in my home after. So, every day around the same time she would point up at the mirror and scream that he was coming for her. The day of her death the family went to say goodbye. It was requested that she spent her last days at home, so that is where she died. I watched as they put her in a body bag and carried her off. I was upset. In that moment the entire world stopped and I heard nothing but the silent tears of my family. She was the piece that held us all together. Since her death, I have not seen more than half of my family.

As usual, people took some of her belongings to have a piece of her forever. I took her nightgown because it still had her scent on it. My dresser was broken, so my grandmother claimed it to give it to me. After mourning for about 2-3 weeks, I was ready to get the dresser. After setting it up and putting my clothes in it – perfect! At least that’s what I thought. I suffer from night terrors all the time, but the ones I got were different after that mirror and dresser were placed in my room.

I have family issues, most stemming from my father not really being there for me when I was younger. At one point in my life I felt like a mistake and I wanted to die. I was over it by this time so I was confused at my dreams…

There was a voice that told me I was nothing. That I would never be anything and that I was worthless. It told me to kill myself and to stay alone because everyone around me was fake and they hated me. The voice sounded so familiar but I couldn’t pin point who it was…not until my father randomly texted me that he loves me. I woke up and my heart dropped, because he sent me the text as I started to believe this thing. I knew it wasn’t my father and he was a changed man. I wrote back to the text and went back to bed. The problem? I couldn’t sleep so I stood up and was horrified to see my body still asleep. Then I heard a dog bark and I looked towards the mirror. It sounded like my cousin Joey calling me. Somehow I knew it wasn’t a good idea to walk into the mirror, but I did it anyway. I walked right in up these narrow stairs and into a weird apartment that looked unfamiliar to me. Joey had a chair in his hand and yelled that he could not close the door before they got in. I ran to the other door and tried to close it, but this big black dog jumped in. I ran around the table that was there and out the door. Now I was in an alley way. I felt like I was being watched and it was super dark. When I looked behind me I saw 3 tall dark figures of what looked like men. I knew they were evil I could see it emanating off of them, and they were darker than the night itself.

I turned and started running. I saw an opened window down the alley way and ran for it. They chased me and I could feel them right behind me. They were on me. I jumped threw the window and I was back in my room. I was so exhausted but I went back into my body and woke to stare at the mirror for hours. Every time I looked at the clock it was 3A.M.. This went on for a month until I broke down crying to my mother who admitted she was being attacked as well. Sometimes I wished I had never opened my mouth because I had to relive this every night. I fought the urge to go inside but I couldn’t help myself. I was in a trance until…well…they almost got me…

I was climbing out of the window and they gripped my leg. I pulled free and felt the warmth of their nails digging into me. I let out a scream but managed to break free and I woke up. I didn’t know what was real anymore. I just knew he was the man my great-grandma was talking about because I looked at my leg and had 3 long scratches on it. I started to hear laughing in my room and I became overwhelmed. I thought I was awake. I saw him in the corner of my room just laughing. I saw no face, only eyes darker than anything I’ve ever seen and the whitest teeth that almost blinded me. I was too shocked and angry to move. I wasn’t even scared anymore, I just wanted to sleep.

Eventually, I was able to move and I ran to my mother and woke her. The next morning my grandmother was upset. She looked me in the eyes and said sorry to me. She said she should have known better than to bring that into the house. She said it wanted me. I told her I want that dresser out of here. We moved the mirror from the dresser and placed it in the hallway, until we were ready to put it outside. We lived in an apartment building with no elevator so we were being sort of lazy (I know it’s horrible!). The nightmares changed to me being attacked. I was just happy I didn’t go inside the mirror anymore. I wanted the dresser out as well so I put all my clothes on the floor. The dresser and the mirror stood in the apartment for another month until my uncle got tired of it. It was bothering him as well. So he took both and put it outside.

Things still linger there, my mother told me activity picked up again. I am amazed that her and my grandmother are so strong that they still stay. The thing that bothers me is that someone took the dresser and the mirror. I guess they thought it was nice. I hope every day that they are okay…

The Sims 4

So, I recently got a new laptop and started redownloading everything that I’ve had on my old laptop. The older laptop is in pretty good condition so I am giving it to my friend Nelson. After downloading Microsoft, I decided I would download my games again. I had StarCraft, The Sims 3, The Sims 4, and Sim City…I had a few more but I only ever play StarCraft.

Anywho! I started with The Sims 4 and haven’t gotten around to downloading the rest. (FYI – this is not a Halloween post!) After starting up the game and creating my character, I became addicted. I haven’t played this game since high school, so I was amazed at how much it has changed. My family members had gotten me a couple of the expansion packs, but I haven’t gotten around to actually playing. Well – now my boyfriend has to make sure I’m actually working or doing my school work or else he’ll pry me away from the laptop.

I went and looked at different ways to play the sims because I love hearing or watching how others play. I noticed that there is an entire sims community that I had no idea existed. People have Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook accounts just for their sim creations. It was amazing to see all the different talents that go into creating sims. If only I had the patience to go into every little detail instead of picking a random sim to play with. It got me thinking, how much do people really love this game? The answer? A sh*t ton!

I thought this was interesting and had to share my thoughts.

Please stay tuned for my Halloween post which will include my family background and why I am so sensitive to the supernatural. (It will be a lengthy post!)

I know these have been short posts. I have been using my phone to write. However, now that I have a new computer, I will become more active! Thanks for reading!

If you play the sims, let me know what your favorite expansion is! I would love to know why that is. Have a great day/night.

Encounter

Sometimes things happen that you can’t believe, and you start to wonder if it was even real in the first place…

As I said in my prior blogs, I will be sharing stories of things that have happened to me. Then on Halloween day – or night, I will share the scariest one yet. To better prepare you, for what’s to come, here is another encounter I would like to share.

I was sleeping in my room, and the layout was pretty simple. My door was closer to the right of the wall so my dresser was to the left of my door. I had a single window, and my bed lay right next to it. When walking into my room the bed is the first thing you would see, it was parrelle to the door. To the left of the entrance was my closet door. Now, usually when I slept my grandmother, mother, and brother would come in and out to see if I’m still sleeping or to make sure I was okay, so I was used to hearing footsteps. It wasn’t a big deal to me.

Having heard voices and all kinds of weird noises, I was a bit paranoid, and sometimes afraid, however I knew that these things didn’t touch me so I was okay. As long as they didn’t touch me, I always could escape.

I woke up to the sound of footsteps. They sounded like someone was wearing heavy boots, but I didn’t open my eyes to see who it was. In my mind it was either my brother or my uncle. My uncle barely stepped foot in my room unless he was looking to use my laptop or had a question about the television, which I didn’t mind too much. I like helping people. It was only really a bother if I was sleeping and he didn’t realize. As the footsteps got closer, I heard someone whisper “shhhhhh, shhhh, it’s okay.” At that point I somehow knew it was neither my uncle nor my brother. Even if it was, why whisper so creepily that it was okay? What was Okay? What were you planning?

I started to move around when I felt two big hands push their way under me and lift me. At that point I opened my eyes to see who dared to come touch me. I was in the air and as soon as my eyes opened, I fell back onto my bed. I could feel one of my earrings yank off and go flying somewhere, but when I glanced around no one was in my room. I didn’t even hear the footsteps of someone fleeing. Beginning to believe that it was a dream I got up ready to tell my mother. That’s when I realized I had been awake the entire time. I stepped on my earring when I reached the bedroom door, and when I picked it up I could hear a slight “shhh…” and without looking back I went right into my mother’s arms.