Preoccupied

So, my boyfriend decided to surprise me a couple weeks ago with a ball of fur. He is a Pomsky (pomeranian husky) and full of energy. He has been consuming my time and though he is sleeping in this photo, he is a hurricane.

Teething is not fun.

The biting is not fun.

Potty training is most definitely not fun.

His crying at night for bed is not fun.

However, the love he shares is perfect.

The playfulness in his eyes is heart warming.

The kisses make you forget why you were upset.

The experience is unforgettable.

He is one of a kind and loves winking at me. I swear he did it 5 times now.

He was born December 24th, 2017. My boyfriend got him at the end of March. I must say, he is growing on me and I am in love.

He is the perfect gift for my anxiety and panic attacks. I mean, just look at him!

Winter

I am sick of this snow!!!!

My writing in French is not what it used to be, but here we go…

Prepare for typos and such!

l’hiver est venu, tuant toutes les feuilles. la neige recouvrant les tombes s’étendait sur toute la route. le silence pour ces feuilles, nous laissant à bout de souffle alors que les vents hurlants pouvaient être entendus, pleurant la perte de beaucoup. Pourtant, l’hiver arrive toujours chaque année. l’hiver vient et nous fait si froid, nous mourons à l’intérieur …

Drama

Sometimes I feel like my job is a giant daycare…

When it comes to work, I like to ensure my job is done. If you mess me up, I will say something. When we had a meeting, (I work in operations), I addressed that the returns team keeps losing the labels I make for them. So, the woman in charge got mad and started yelling at me after the meeting. She told me that if I am going to attack her then she is going to tell on me too. I told her that I was not trying to get anyone in trouble. My boss even said it wasn’t too big of an issue because we can come up with ways to fix it, (and I did because I’m amazing and love working), but this woman insisted that she get me in trouble for anything she could find. So, she sends me an email referring to a document, asking me for an update on it. It was number 19 on the list, according to her, and she wanted me to look into it. I went on my list and screen grabbed the information for her. I told her that I had given her a label in January for this order to return to the customer. She printed it out…

Next thing I know, her and my boss are in my office asking me why I sent her information about one order, if she was asking about another. So I asked them what they meant, and before they could explain I opened my list and showed her what I screen grabbed. My boss said that the order number was different from the email subject line order. So I became angry. Do not mess with my job!!! I started explaining and presenting facts. I told her, “You’re holding the paper. Look at what she asked me.” I pointed at the reference she gave me and said, “I have a big list here. She asked me for 19, so I gave her 19. I am not looking at the order number if she references the number of the list.” So my boss turns to her and asks her if she has 19 in the warehouse. She says yes. SO I, BEING NICE AND PETTY say, “Well why is it still back there if I gave you a label back in January?” Her face flushed. She didn’t know what to say so right there I reprinted the label, gave it to her, and asked if there was anything else they needed. My boss turned to her and said, “You are the one that needs to be careful. Make sure you pay more attention.”

Now, I remember I am trying to stay positive, so I plant a huge smile on my face and ask, “Is there anything else I can help you with?” At this point she was fuming. My boss assured me that they were done talking to me and that I was doing a good job. The woman didn’t look at me for the rest of the day.

Yup, very childish people at my job.

Productive

Hello!

So, I have decided to be more productive this year, yet I haven’t done much to become productive. Since I have a small break from school, I’ve decided to start “cleaning out the closet” if you will. I started my taxes (they’re annoying), and I’ve started saving money (I’m going to Disney!).

I’ve missed my blogs so much! As a result, I am writing one! Ever since I’ve gotten promoted to Manager at my job, I have been busy working from home, as well as doing school work. My major is Project Management, (it was English, but I wanted to learn more about the business life so that I can create my own writing business), so I have a LOT of classes that are not my cup of tea. However, I have been trying to practice time management and will start writing more. As it is my escape from this world and the only place I can truly express my feelings without anyone getting too hurt.

Now that I’m getting my sh*t together, I’ve decided that being productive and positive is the way to go! I also have a request from whoever reads this!

I was looking into cutting meat out of my diet to become more healthy, but I do not know where to start. If anyone can help me, as I was reading up on it and it seems very hard. There is a lot of information out there and I just feel it would be easier to read a blog on health and how to cut meat out slowly. Sort of like a step by step. Any recommendations are appreciated, or maybe you have tips you can share with me? I am almost 120% sure I am starting this all wrong. So my request is, please help with this!

I’ve also noticed that more and more people are coming up to me and asking me questions about the supernatural, as that conversation always seems to pop up for me. No matter how much I try it not to, it happens. I just might start talking about it more (even though it isn’t October) but I am not certain if I am fully ready. So be prepared I guess!

Thanks in advance for any suggestions about cutting meat out, and if you have a favorite food please let me know!

BROKEN

It was a leech that destroyed me. A leech who bit into my soul. A leech that drained me from all my power. The feeling of sand just filling your lungs. So dry, yet addicting.

I’m crazy, maybe. I’m stupid, so they say, but this leech had control over my body. He drained my spirit and caused me to feel nothing.

A void inside my heart. A gaping black hole that leads no where. The dryest most evil place that was once so pure.

The damning pain within overwhelms my body. The numbness of never feeling trust again. The “What ifs” and the “I’m not good enough” that haunts my head is so taunting my brain could explode.

The attacks so early in the morning, no good morning messages just yelling right from the start. The panic attacks that go unnoticed by his sight because he doesn’t care enough, yet swears he loves.

What does he love?

The broken glass that lies on the floor puts shock in my heart. I realize that these pieces are parts of me that I can never get back. My body is balding from it’s emotion and no one seems to care.

I’m forced to put up a wall and act like a perfect princess.

I’m broken and it haunts me everyday …

Socializing

Hello!

I’m overdue.

Throughout the week I’ve met quite some people. I was nice and never once did I mention anything about my past or how I portray myself when it comes to certain things. However, every person I’ve met has come to me and start asking me about the supernatural. One, knew that I was trying to block my own knowledge of the subject. The other, just felt comfort in confiding in me.

I started to wonder if I just have that vibe of, “it’s okay to express your feelings on the topic”, or maybe it’s more like, “I know you are like me”. Which ever the case, I am flattered yet terrified. The fact that a stranger and sense me and sense the things I’ve been through or the things I’ve seen, is just a bit overwhelming. One of the people I’ve met told me, “blocking it out doesn’t make you stronger. You have to embrace it and then you’ll be able to control it.” The nervous feeling I got when hearing those words made me sigh. I knew they were right, but I didn’t want to be strong in it. I just want to be normal. As if they read my mind they said, “This is normal.”

Every time I socialize, the subject of ghosts and monsters pops up. I can feel eyes on me, waiting to hear my tails and experiences. Even if they don’t know me, they want me to speak. Most days I keep to myself, but other days – This happens.

I’m not saying this is a negative, but just once I want that small talk about anything that has nothing to do with creepy crawlers. Don’t get me wrong, the topic is amazing and educational, but I would love a normal every day chat about something else.

Just my thoughts for the day. Be warm in this snow!

It’s been some time…

As the leaves fell, my heart did too. In time, when the leaves grew back, so did the love that left my heart.

I didn’t know how to forgive, or love. Only with time my heart fought wars and lost, only to gain strength and build a wall. Only with time did the wall soften and let you in.

It’s been some time now that I’ve fallen so deeply. The crisp air of winter is back again, yet my heart remains soft – maybe even softer than before.

My once scared soul is not afraid anymore. It dances on the edge of time and swims with the sharks. It trusts your heart will protect mine.

It’s been some time since I’ve cried. My tears have gone and my smile appeared. I was broken, torn from my humanity, and now I am just fine. These scars are a gift of how much I’ve grown.

It’s been some time since we’ve fought. We were bitter and now we’re not. Our words intertwine and our thoughts are admirable. No more bickering or crime.

With time all is possible, even though I wanted to die. I’m more alive than I’ve ever felt, and it’s because your heart has finally become mine.

It’s been some time, but we are who we are and we are one…

Cactus

You are my cactus. I want to take care of you and watch you grow. I want to love you and show you how I feel. I want to embrace you and absorb your ways. Yet, every time I get too close, you prick me and it hurts. Each lie burns deeper into my heart. It is like cracked glass when I try and kiss you. When I try to forgive you, I feel the thorns inside me.

The way they move and hurt my heart, the way they sting and kill my vibe. I try to hide. Then I drink the poison and the demon in me comes out. She wants to cut you down, but you are my cactus. I dare not let her. She wants to do the things you’ve done, but I dare not trust her. She wants to have revenge for feeling so stupid. For feeling so low, but I dare not let her. I dare not feed her.

You are my cactus. You give me strength and courage. You give me life and when I breathe in all I want is your air. All I want is you. I try so hard to pull out all the thorns. I try to imagine what it would be like if they were never put there to begin with. You are my cactus, and I can hug you lightly and admire you from afar. For my safety and yours.

Cactus, all I wanted was you. All I ever wanted and needed was you. I’ve tried other plants to give me the feeling I had with you, and nothing. I never meant “I love you” unless it was to you. I never let myself cry over them. I never wanted anything more in this world than my cactus to love me the way I love you. Sadly, I don’t think it is possible with all these thorns.

And time is cruel. Playing with my head and heart. Time is cruel making me weak. Cactus, there was a time when I pictured myself in the most beautiful white dress and now I picture it blacked out with dirt. Cactus, you killed me and expect me to still be alive.

Cactus, I need your help. You want me to be alive? You want to be with me? Please lower your thorns – Not by words – by love. Show me your heart, so mine can beat with it. Teach me the rhythm again…teach me to trust…

A Story…

“I hope I am not writing this in vain…” Her fragile hands danced atop the keyboard. She was sick and no one knew. No one understood her pain. They never asked, and never meant to. Her smile was a false pretense to what was going on inside of her. She was fighting a war and could not win. Her energy was dying out each day, as she struggled to wake up in the morning. The makeup hid what she did to herself and the lack of sleep she had. Her job was so stressful and demanding that she could not keep up with all the mistakes that others were making. This made it even harder to do her work. School was dragging out and she wished it would be over with. “I have a complaint.” She knew that if she didn’t speak, it would just get worse and the pain inside her would take over her more than before. Her smile would dim and others would catch on that she wasn’t even there emotionally.

“I don’t mean to tell people how to do their job, I am sure they are busy but…” She went on to write an essay, but no one listened. Everyone shut her out and did not speak to her again. If they needed anything they would email. Their eyes wouldn’t even float to her direction. Needless to say, things were being done – slowly – but they were getting somewhere. The disconnect she felt in her personal life soon made its way into her work life. Ever since she spoke her mind, everyone shunned her. They wanted nothing to do with the girl in the back corner office. She had no write to tell them to do their job. She wasn’t their boss…

Every night she would wake with one terror after another. She’d wake up and take more pills just to try and sleep. She dare not wake her family, they’d get cranky. She had no one to try to talk to. They all told her it was just stress or her need for vacation, but it was more than that. She felt alone in a sea of people. She drowned and couldn’t swim. Her numbing pain made it difficult to speak without it sounding like complaints. She was more than alone, she was gone. She didn’t recognize anyone or anything. She didn’t even know who that was staring back at her in the mirror. Still, she pressed on…somehow…

She had lost a lot of weight. Her boyfriend loved it at first. He thought she was getting too fat anyway. As time went on he couldn’t stand to even look at her. He left her because she insisted she was fine. She cried – not because he was gone but because she pushed him away. She pushed them all away…

One night she woke up from a bad dream. This one was not like the rest. She was overwhelmed and just wanted sleep. The pills she took weren’t enough. She couldn’t doze off so she took more and more, until she had this pain in her stomach. It was hurting her to the point where her own screams made her ears bleed. It was all so sudden, but it stopped in an instant. She was no longer hurting, but at peace.

R.I.P.

Moving

Hello!

With growing and life moving so fast, we have a lot of room for opportunities! As a result, I will be inactive for the next week as I am moving.

Moving is a pain in the butt, but it must be done! With new environments comes new inspiration! I will always miss my first apartment, where I first left the nest. However, new and better things are coming my way!

As winter approaches, so does my energy! That’s right! I am a winter baby!

I will have much to talk about the following week, so I’ll have lots of notes as to what to post here! Stay tuned for the aftermath of my move!

Thanks for reading and have a great day/night!