Silent Speaker: Introvert

This topic is a very tricky one to talk about. An introvert is defined as “a shy, reticent person” (Google Dictionary, 2017). There are many different ways to describe what an introvert is, but the most mistaken thing to say is that we are antisocial. There is a difference between not speaking and being antisocial.

If you are antisocial – you are choosing not to speak with anyone. If you do not speak – maybe you don’t feel as though your words will contribute to the conversation. For me, I don’t speak much because I am scared. I am terrified of others and what their thoughts are of me, but at the same time, I would love to know. My mind is constantly racing with these thoughts and ideas but I never share – why? Fear holds me back and then I am judged for it. It takes a lot for me to even open up to someone.

When I meet new people the first thing they say to me is “you’re so quiet” or “I bet you would be the first one to kill someone. It’s always the quiet ones” (I’m quite sick of that joke to be honest). Other times I get these strange looks, and then people whisper amongst themselves. Later I find out from a friend that I’ve made them feel uncomfortable because I “had an attitude” or because I was “too quiet”. What irritates me is that they didm’t even bother to try and understand why I was quiet. When I try to actually speak to someone so they no longer think I am some weird girl, my words come out all awkward.

I promise I am a nice person and I treat my friends like family – but if you are not good with patience, then this will not work out.

Apparently, I also have “resting bitch face”, which is often described as a face filled with anger or attitude. I constantly have this face when I am thinking or tired. Even when I am just sitting there – bitch face activated! As a result I am constantly over thinking about my facial expressions. This causes me to make silly faces all day and sometimes people will look at me and start to giggle. It gets me more enraged and annoyed because I don’t know what anyone wants me to look like anymore. I can’t win! I am defeated each time I go outside!

Because no one wants to willingly come over to me and start talking about simple things in life – I am the bad one. I can’t mentally or physically start sharing my life goals and aspirations with someone I’ve only known for a week – even a month! I have to know you longer than that. People constantly judge me and it used to drain my energy so much.

I had people that knew me pushing me closer and closer to the edge. I felt like they were forcing me to jump into someone new. Someone that wasn’t me. I was expected to just be social 24/7 with strangers who assumed things about me just by the way I spoke. I was in a constant state of panic and my body would shiver in fear. I was bullied and was just tossed about like a basketball, only I never found the hoop.

I found a voice in writing and as I got older I began to speak more. Even today, 8/24/2017, I was criticized for begin tired at a concert. I didn’t want to stand because I saw no need. I don’t need to stand to enjoy music. I had a perfect view of the screen and everything, but somehow I made people uncomfortable. For that we blame that “bitch face”. The music wasn’t even anything to rock out to. It was music to move your soul softly. I didn’t need to stand and bang my head around.

This is my journey of how I deal with these types of things. I will go more into depth with topics like these in my future blogs. This is just a taste of who I am or how I think. I do hope I didn’t offend anyone in the use of language. I promise I do not curse in my writings, I had no other way to explain my face. If you have suggestions please let me know.

Cheers to my first blog post!

(Photo taken by me. Flowers were a gift to me. Aren’t they super cool?)

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