I didn’t want it: An Asthma Story

Let me start by saying, I have not written for a while. I haven’t written because there was a storm happening both mentally and physically inside of me. A storm I tried to hide. It started to brew because of insecurities. It started to brew because of anxiety. The pot was boiling and every day doubt and stress was added to the ingredients.

There was a lingering sensation of something…I couldn’t put my finger on it. Like a shadow that wasn’t as friendly as Peter Pans. A taunting entity that was in no mood to play childish games. Something was amiss and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite grasp what was happening to me.

As more storm clouds came rolling in, and the thunder lashed out at me from all directions – I was stricken! Attacked by the lightening inside of me. Attacked by the way things fell around me, I was spinning so fast trying to comprehend everything around me – I forgot how to balance. I forgot who I was! I tried everything in my power to kill who I was and in reality I was killing who I am.

My breath stopped! My breath escaped and for that moment that felt like seconds – I saw her! My great grandmother. She watched me and took me into her arms. Tears just running down stream, she patted my head. She told me to forgive myself. To forgive myself for the hate I put inside of me. Forgive myself for the pain I put myself through. Forgive myself for everything negative in my life because it wasn’t my fault nor my place to treat myself the way I did. I stared in awe because she passed away in 2009. Not a lick of English came out of her when she was living so I was in awe that I understood her.

For a moment – a burst of light came to me and I was awake, sobbing once again. My breath escaped me another instant and I was back in nothingness. This time – she wasn’t there. I was alone and somehow so peaceful. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want life. I didn’t want to become a person again. I wanted to stay alone, and I wanted to just float away. Then another burst of air and I was back. I was here in this world. I was awake.

Crying my eyes out – the man I love said “I wasn’t going to let you go.” Over his voice I heard, “No, I wasn’t either…” To me a shock, almost. like a bolt of lightening hit me. I am here. Why? Because I am not finished with my story of who I am.

My asthma is not the best at time, but I will always have my angel with me.

R.I.P. Great Grandma (1914-2009). I love you and miss you! ❤

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