Cactus

You are my cactus. I want to take care of you and watch you grow. I want to love you and show you how I feel. I want to embrace you and absorb your ways. Yet, every time I get too close, you prick me and it hurts. Each lie burns deeper into my heart. It is like cracked glass when I try and kiss you. When I try to forgive you, I feel the thorns inside me.

The way they move and hurt my heart, the way they sting and kill my vibe. I try to hide. Then I drink the poison and the demon in me comes out. She wants to cut you down, but you are my cactus. I dare not let her. She wants to do the things you’ve done, but I dare not trust her. She wants to have revenge for feeling so stupid. For feeling so low, but I dare not let her. I dare not feed her.

You are my cactus. You give me strength and courage. You give me life and when I breathe in all I want is your air. All I want is you. I try so hard to pull out all the thorns. I try to imagine what it would be like if they were never put there to begin with. You are my cactus, and I can hug you lightly and admire you from afar. For my safety and yours.

Cactus, all I wanted was you. All I ever wanted and needed was you. I’ve tried other plants to give me the feeling I had with you, and nothing. I never meant “I love you” unless it was to you. I never let myself cry over them. I never wanted anything more in this world than my cactus to love me the way I love you. Sadly, I don’t think it is possible with all these thorns.

And time is cruel. Playing with my head and heart. Time is cruel making me weak. Cactus, there was a time when I pictured myself in the most beautiful white dress and now I picture it blacked out with dirt. Cactus, you killed me and expect me to still be alive.

Cactus, I need your help. You want me to be alive? You want to be with me? Please lower your thorns – Not by words – by love. Show me your heart, so mine can beat with it. Teach me the rhythm again…teach me to trust…

A Story…

“I hope I am not writing this in vain…” Her fragile hands danced atop the keyboard. She was sick and no one knew. No one understood her pain. They never asked, and never meant to. Her smile was a false pretense to what was going on inside of her. She was fighting a war and could not win. Her energy was dying out each day, as she struggled to wake up in the morning. The makeup hid what she did to herself and the lack of sleep she had. Her job was so stressful and demanding that she could not keep up with all the mistakes that others were making. This made it even harder to do her work. School was dragging out and she wished it would be over with. “I have a complaint.” She knew that if she didn’t speak, it would just get worse and the pain inside her would take over her more than before. Her smile would dim and others would catch on that she wasn’t even there emotionally.

“I don’t mean to tell people how to do their job, I am sure they are busy but…” She went on to write an essay, but no one listened. Everyone shut her out and did not speak to her again. If they needed anything they would email. Their eyes wouldn’t even float to her direction. Needless to say, things were being done – slowly – but they were getting somewhere. The disconnect she felt in her personal life soon made its way into her work life. Ever since she spoke her mind, everyone shunned her. They wanted nothing to do with the girl in the back corner office. She had no write to tell them to do their job. She wasn’t their boss…

Every night she would wake with one terror after another. She’d wake up and take more pills just to try and sleep. She dare not wake her family, they’d get cranky. She had no one to try to talk to. They all told her it was just stress or her need for vacation, but it was more than that. She felt alone in a sea of people. She drowned and couldn’t swim. Her numbing pain made it difficult to speak without it sounding like complaints. She was more than alone, she was gone. She didn’t recognize anyone or anything. She didn’t even know who that was staring back at her in the mirror. Still, she pressed on…somehow…

She had lost a lot of weight. Her boyfriend loved it at first. He thought she was getting too fat anyway. As time went on he couldn’t stand to even look at her. He left her because she insisted she was fine. She cried – not because he was gone but because she pushed him away. She pushed them all away…

One night she woke up from a bad dream. This one was not like the rest. She was overwhelmed and just wanted sleep. The pills she took weren’t enough. She couldn’t doze off so she took more and more, until she had this pain in her stomach. It was hurting her to the point where her own screams made her ears bleed. It was all so sudden, but it stopped in an instant. She was no longer hurting, but at peace.

R.I.P.